Last night was the most surreal and mind-blowing thing AND biggest show I've ever played in my sorry excuse for a music career. I've only been doing this for about 13 years. But it was also extremely fun and even had vomit-inducing moments. We (meaning Roxie and I) didn't stick around long as she was kind of sick and I was hungry and just did not want to be around after I played. Which I never really do so it wasn't much of a change for me. But in the car, late-night relaxing with her I ask, "what if this is as good as it gets for me?" I mean after years of doing this I don't see myself "making it" in the way that all rockstar hopefuls long for. For one, I'm not sure I really like things about this... I know that's vague but there are aspects I don't like and I'm not sure exactly what it is, the people, crowds, pressure, lack of intimacy or what but something doesn't settle right when I think about doing this day in day out. Maybe its the music that comes with the territory. I don't listen to much hard-rock-metal-rap shit. Because I think its WAY too derivative and boring. And plus I'm not that angsty or angry anymore. I don't know. But I love the adrenaline that comes with it. I love people hearing our music. I love having a stage I run around on. It's just so far from the people. But this was the view and it has to be said, the view must be beautiful at the top.
* * * * *


I know you can't tell from the size of this photo, but someone died in that small gray sedan. This is second time I've documented the aftermath of someone's death in digital format. On the way home several weeks ago I came upon this as the road was down to one lane. I parked in a parking lot nearby and ran out towards the intersection to see what had happened. I heard about someone dying. I took photos on that breezy, cloudy day. I saw the helicopter from a local news station overhead. I wondered if the person who died ever thought their life would end in such a place. I wondered where my own would end. Later, when I finally got home I saw the footage from the helicopter on the local news.
+ + + + +


Before band rehearsal I was burning off time in Nob Hill and found myself there during the first Shop N Stroll of the fall in 2009. There was a stage set-up for all sorts of various troupes and groups to display what they were about. This was my favorite, the New Mexico Symphony Orchestra's brass section performing John William's theme and medley from Star Wars. Sometimes you can't plan the good things in life, you're just in the right place at the right time.
- - - - -


I saw a couple of older gents busking in what I like to refer to as the echo chamber. There are two of them in Nob Hill near the Co-op. I don't remember when this was (fairly recent, no doubt) but it was the first time I met Navi's mother. Quite random I'd have to say.
= = = = =
In closing I hope this finds you well. It's been a hell of a week. Both bands performed this weekend, which means I had practice all week on top of three days of work, two days of classes, a week-long overdue term paper, homework and trying to find time to hang with the girlfriend. But I made it and now its time to finish the Holiday Sail album as the CD release party is in less than a month. And I have no CD done yet.

I like taking photos of flowers and I don't care who has what to say about it. Check out the biggest size of that pic and take a moment to think that the flower you see is likely to rest in the palm of your hand and still be about a quarter inch from any edge. I have a series posted on the old flickr page.

The house we were working had a fun little array of plant life and flowers. So on my breaks I'd try to capture the hummingbirds(fail!) and have some fun with the macro setting. This one was my favorite because I think about the aphid on the flower and wonder at how strange it is to be so small that the center of a flower could stand over you.

* * * * *


I took this one at a Battle of the Bands in a park last month. There was breakin' and scratchin' and we sort of laid waste to the competition in the Battle. But it was fun and it was good to see kids enjoying our tunes. Because they went nuts for it. And they loved me. I mean I'm not bragging or anything I just look like a big kid. They took photos with me and were all crazy for the band. Even one of the guys from the band was like, "hey Mr popular..."

It just breathed some life into the music career I have going on. Or whatever this music thing is... But it was a change of pace from people you aren't even sure are enjoying the music or if they're just drunk or if it's all just a soundtrack for the hideous and disgusting human mating dance. Though to be fair, tonight people seemed genuine in their interest about us.

And that's a good thing. I realized tonight, while in the process of turning 28 that I've probably been doing this music thing for almost 13 years. That's the longest I've ever stuck with anything in my life. I've been playing out in Albuquerque for about a decade. That's insane. I can tell the difference on how's its worn thin on me.

Shortly after I perform I usually can't wait to get away from all the noise and the chatter and the obnoxious drunks. It's all about quiet and acoustic music for me when I load up my car. I used to be nuts. I used to get completely plowed after a show. I'd play and load up and get all the free drinks I could and then bounce out to home where once in awhile I'd throw up. Completely sauced.

I'm not saying I miss that so much as it just seems like one extreme or the other. I just try to put all of me into performing. The time in between performances drags. And sometimes I'm not even in the mood to perform but when I do I give it everything. So afterwards I'm pretty spent. All I wanna do is relax. Because on stage all I want to do is blow people's minds. Or at least attempt. People deserve a show and if you think your music is worthy, you have to make it worth the while of the people who might listen.

Thirteen years on... Sometimes I wonder if that time couldn't have been better spent. While I don't see myself stopping, ever, I suppose I'll just have to keep my sanity the best way I can. As far as this music things is concerned for every moment of bliss there's a lifetime of bullshit.

Its true that sometimes your best effort isn't enough. Sometimes no matter how good you are or how hard you try it just can't work. And that's the long and short of it.

You can't change anyone or force them or do anything with love in the hopes that they will eventually love themselves. Not that any of those things should be the goal. Its just the hope that the way you live your life will influence them.

And it certainly won't work if you can't speak your mind freely. If you can't say what's on your mind without the fear of irreconcilable repercussions. That's not normal and that's not okay. All that does is stack things between us that go on not being said.

I'm done fighting, with you and for it to keep working when you've decided long ago that it wasn't going to work anyway (and I agreed to myself not long after). I've tried even against my own better judgement. There were things that were amazing. And with those highs came devestating lows.

I thought you had been through the tough shit too. I thought you understood the way I did as well that there shouldn't be any small reasons to flip out and see nothing but the end in it all. I don't think I'm completely wrong but your reaction tells me otherwise.

I don't know where this is going. There's a letter to you in this mind of mine, but I'm too beat to make any sense of it now. You were so happy to see me one moment and then the next you couldn't say enough hateful things to me. I had planned to spend the next day and week and so on with you and now none of that's there.

Everything changed in an instance when I wish it hadn't and now I can't exactly tell which way is up right now. This won't make any sense in the morning either, but at least I'll have rest to tackle the future. Barring death, that seems to be the only thing I can count on.

I have a headache that threatens to rip my skull apart. It did not go good and yet here we are willing to make it work. But it got bad. Bad in a way I haven't seen in years. And I didn't just scare myself. But I knew I wasn't about to lose control either, so that's kind of good.

But what an awful day. Somehow we reconciled though. I guess it just depends on the person. Or the effort. When I gave little and cared little, I rarely lost my shit. Now that I'm willing to give... its just bad.

But it's all raw. There's no politeness anymore. We're just coming at each other, guns drawn, without mercy. I don't like that. Its not what I'm looking for. But still and even so and on and on we go.

This could easily be titled: "I want to break your hand across my face."

I just don't want to be enemies when all is said and done. I have no interest in holding grudges or never letting go of anger. There's too much going on. Too much good stuff.

But today was one of the worst. At least we can still laugh together and enjoy Vietnamese food. Just when it all felt like it was going to fall apart.

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck, indeed.

I can't tell if I'm sick of this place, Albuquerque, New Mexico or Earth in general. I might even just be sick of my life right now. Whatever the reasons I felt the need to take it out on some pathetic bag this morning. I woke up at about 5:30 this morning unable to fall back to sleep. I'm sure my stomach had something to do with it. So after 7 rolled around I finally decided to head to the skatepark (Los Altos) and see if moving around wouldn't put me in a better mood. I set my water down and got into one of the bowls and started riding around.

This homeless chick comes shuffling in going sifting through boxes of refuse left after some sort of demo or fee Gatorade give-away, proabably from the day before. And yes, of course she found my water and then proceeded to drink out of it. So that left me waterless and thirsty. I rolled around a bit and then skated by to see if I was sure, sure about my loss of water when:

"Do you have a cigarette?"

To which I replied, "No. And thanks for drinking my water."

[inaudible response]

"Fuck off!"

I didn't stay too long after that, mainly because I needed water and secondly because I kinda felt bad. Or maybe not. I guess that's the problem. I def don't feel as bad as I should. I'm sick of this town and all it's bullshit. I have so much more to bitch about and complain about, but alas, I'm getting hated on for living my life right now and all I can think about is that. So I'll leave you with a song from the someday-to-be-released-but-who really-gives-a-shit-anyway Holiday Sail album. It's one of my favs, melodrama.

Apt title, fucking apt.

"Aren't you tired of being sorry?"

To which I responded that I didn't know how I should respond. Even at my best I can't shake my worst it would seem. When things are tough or something else is bothering me I can't help but share the misery. When I can't get my way, I take it as a personal affront. I take people for granted or cause them to not want to be around me.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn't something damaged in me. No matter what, I still keep people from being a constant in my life. I don't take care of my relationships with people very well and wonder why they get strained. I wonder at times if I'm sociopathic. I worry that I can't really empathize with people I should care about. I don't feel very close with anyone most of the time. And I've gotten used to that for the most part. I rarely ask anyone for help.

But there should be growth, right? I can't always be like that, what a fucking lonely existence. It's just an excuse if I say that there's something PERMANENTLY damaged about me.

So then, why, when I feel like I'm doing my best, for the most part, does it have to be like this? This overwhelming despair, that even if I try it'll just be like this again, causes me to wonder what the point of trying is. I mean don't get me wrong, nothing is worth just giving it all up over. But I talk a good line about "living knowing you're going to lose, but going at it with all you have like you'll win anyway." That's bullshit! I don't live my life like that at all.

I live troubling myself with as little as possible. All my efforts in life have been half-assed at best. I do things without passion, at the last minute and only to NOT disappoint others. But that's not always true either. At least not in all aspects of my life. I like being counted on. I like the feeling that I'm helping someone.

That doesn't change where we are. This awful limbo of words I can't take back and hurt you're not ready to let go of. The sense of impending doom, because nothing could be as good as it seems. But we go through hard times, there are rough spots on the road. Do we just abandon the caravan because of this terrible terrain? Or do we keep pushing ahead knowing things can't be bad forever.

One thing I'll never let go of is the stubborness, bordering on all out stupidity, that all hope is not lost. I've never accepted defeat without total exhaustion. Maybe that won't help this at all. It usually doesn't in these situations, which is also why I've come to learn that sometimes things are the way they are and all the screaming at the wind won't cause it to change courses, it'll change when it wants to.

So here we are back in limbo, riding a razor-thin edge of decision, stuck in a place I don't want to be. And, yes, very tired of being sorry, but not tired enough to call it done. Then again, it would appear that I have a very high tolerance for this kind of bullshit. Or maybe I'm just into testing the limits of others.

It really doesn't matter, this internal dialogue. It's a one-sided conversation only here for cathartic reasons. It doesn't ease the worry and there's no solace from heartbreak here. There's only careless words, over-thought complex reasons and questions without answers.

I don't know where the lines are anymore. I don't know what constitutes over reaction at this point in things. I know I don't like feeling like this. I don't like the feeling of being left hanging. I know I was happy, to a certain extent before this. And one can only deduce that this feeling won't go away with time, that everytime this happens, I'll probably feel this way. There's no need to force change or judge, I've accepted what it is. And that's a bummer.

It's a bummer because there are good things here, amazing things. There's the honest to Jah fact that I was pretty sure things inside were withered and lifeless but somehow there was still a spark, a spark that burned brightly.

Now maybe I'm just being melodramatic, I am after all floating in a sea of desperation off the boat with nothing but a life-vest. Its honestly dangerous and stupid, but I just can't afford it anymore and I'd like to know that I could live my life without it. I'm starting to think maybe not.

Whatever it is I wish it was over. I'm not sure to which context I mean that in... but I have to say it was awesome. It could've been more and I'm selfish and blah blahb lahblahblahblahblahglejidv....

This isn't for anything good except to write it out.

I have to count on people. I have to know that if I reach out I'm going to.... I don't know what the point is. Its just a deal-breaker. It's something I don't want to live with if I don't have to. There's always room to compromise. It still doesn't change the lack of effort to reciprocate. That's what bothers me most. I have to know people are there for me. And they are.

But apparently, not you. That's who you are. Or want to be. I don't see any need to break that. I was okay before and I'll be okay later on. Or maybe I just felt this way for no reason at all and it's all good.

That's when you know it's fucked; when you're not sure how you should feel about it and deal with it. That's the worst.

# Seeing Up in 3D, Awesome! Seeing my ex in The same theater but her not seeing me, bizarre. That's 2 for 2 this weekend. -=Holiday Rob=-about 11 hours ago from txt

Two for two this weekend means... for almost years I saw nary hair from the head of either of my exes and this weekend I was treated to talking to one downtown and having to sit in the same theater with another. Seriously, the odds of running into the PMD at the theater was one in a million. I've been to tons of movies lately and the only reason we went to UP was because I didn't want to wait until we couldn't see it in 3D. It was cool for the most part, but the 3D effect came and went during the duration. But UP has one of the most heart-breaking openings, its the only Pixar movie I've seen that tried to squeeze human emotion out of me. I honestly don't know if the PMD saw me or heard me laughing, because soon after I realized it was her, I just sat back and relaxed and enjoyed my movie and let the possibility of a confrontation chill until the credits. And then it didn't happen. One in a million chances.

- - - - -
# Defense Secretary Charles Wilson was also president of General Motors during the Eisenhower Administration in the 50's. Interesting...9:06 AM Jun 13th from txt

This little nugget came from Fear and Loathing in America: The Gonzo Letters, vol2, 1968-1976 by DR HST. There's all sorts of fun info, like the Supreme Court Justice who just up and disappeared in 1930. Crazy. It's been a great read, refreshing. I've breezed through 500 of the 700+ pages so far and would recommend anyone to read it, if nothing more than for a history lesson of another kind. It's scary to see how things HAVE NOT changed over the decades since the original writings of these letters. I mean some things have changed, but in American Politics... its still the same corrupt and gross game.

+ + + + +
# Skatepark kicked my ass... And my wrist and my ribs. -=Holiday Rob=-11:25 PM Jun 12th from txt

Got back on the board since putting it aside for a month or so. No reason in particular, I've just been having adventures with Roxie. I was so shaky on the board that I ate shit within the first minute of being at the skatepark. Plus, it was pretty busy.

* * * * *
# No work today! w00t! So i'm working on Holiday Sail mixes.10:25 AM Jun 11th from txt

# In The studio For guitar tracks. Band: Bat Wings For Labs Rats8:12 PM Jun 9th from txt

Yes, there has been many goings on as far as music is concerned. Being in two bands that are finishing up albums can suck up much of my free time. Plus shows, plus practices. I wish I had more to write on this but its regular, it doesn't pay (in fact it drains money) and I'll be tired of talking about it until its all done.

= = = = =
# WTF happened to the size of Rolling Stone? -=Holiday Rob=-5:59 PM Jun 7th from txt

That pretty much sums it up. I was at Page One not long ago with the Roxie, which I haven't been to in a long time. I was looking at the Periodicals sections that has been drastically cut in half, so much so that I had to no interest in any magazine on the rack except some ad-in-magazine-form about Taylor Swift. And the only reason for that was because she's cute. Her music sucks... anyway, there it was Rolling Stone with Green Day on the cover not looking like the music culture rag that it once was. I opened it up and the first thing I saw was about Tom Morello. I'm sorry but Tom Morello hasn't done anything of note since Rage Against The Machine. I can't really comment about his team-up with Boots Riley (of the Coup) since I haven't heard it, but it seems hard to screw up a gig like that. But there it was, part of the mainstream crowd with counter-culture credentials still getting press for nothing. RS is useless for anyone serious about music. They recycle the same tired group of faces and wonder why people don't care about music anymore. It should be NEW all the time. There's no need to talk about assholes who have already had their fifteen minutes. No wonder we have useless corpses littering the music scene like THE Rolling Stones and others rehashing bullshit at casinos. I suppose you have to kill your way to the top.

! ! ! ! !
The above photo was one of only two shots taken on a night when Roxie and I got bored of getting high in her driveway and decided to get lost in a neighborhood in the foothills. She rolled her ankle a bit and I thought we might not find the car but all ended well and it was a fun little adventure and a good way to spend a Monday night after eleven. That's all for now.

Just giving y'alls a photo for a Saturday morning. Have to record with Bat Wings For Lab Rats. Been mixing the cello in the Holiday Sail album. Been playing shows and hanging out with good peoples and seeing movies. Working almost 6 days a week when I make it to work. Need to call the Jexter.

Have a rad weekend.

So that's my Jex-like tribute to the only chick I've been willing to take a chance on to be my girlfriend in... well, years. I don't we've spent a night away from each other in almost a month.

I didn't think I could feel anything like this again. I guess that's the surprising thing about life. There's no real explanation I can give as to why with her. I didn't really like her that first bunch of times I new about her years ago. I thought she was all about the drama (which she kinda is... sometimes) and like some kind of hardcore bitch. But I've never laughed as hard as I have in my life with her. She makes my life better. She's a fuckin' kitten. And its nice to have someone again although, yes I do miss my single life.

But we're enjoying the high and making plans and just hoping for the best in the future. I never really planned on a future for anyone but myself, but plans change. If I've ever learned anything, its that plans change whether you can help it or not. So you weather on... See what I did there, I used the two different kinds of weather/whether.

Sorry wish I was more clever. I also had to get a new camera because my last one couldn't fly. It could bounce but it couldn't survive the landing. So I spent more money that I shouldn't.

And last night I got into it with my brother. He was getting all thug on me like he was going to put a hit out on my life. I just got pissed and rolled with it though. I felt like yelling into the phone, "hey hey hey, Tupac! Put my brother back on the phone!" Instead I told him what was going on with me, told him that I thought we were on the same side (against shitty music) and called him a jerkface. He cooled off and explained himself. I've gotten much better at arguing with people.

Shitty people in my life get written off. I just don't have the time to waste on shitty people and shitty situations. Life is too short for the bullshit. There are people and relationships I'm willing to work shit out with. A sibling, my only sibling in fact, is one relationship worth fighting for in my book. Plus, we are on the same team. I'm sure alone either of us will do okay in the entertainment business, but together we could rule the stars. Or not, but it's better to have more people on your side than not.

With my people I have your back until I die. That's just how I want it to be. The old Rob I once knew and disliked is dead. I've destroyed him and rebuilt him.

RobV2.5 in effect, bitches.

Below is a link to the White Sands Film Festival for a short movie I was in last year. Check it out, pass it along, show some support, I heart you!

-rob

http://whitesands.bside.com/2009/films/diadelasmadres_whitesands2009

Life has been crazy lately, as if that's something new. For whatever reason, well, actually, because Rx has been reading my old LJ, I started reading my old LJ and probably got through over 300 entries before I got sick of my writing. That's about 60% of my old entries. And man, let me tell you, I was one unhappy person for a lot of those entries. I can't believe how much I used to write, but also I was in awe of my ability to constantly write whining garbage about my state of unhappiness.

I'm going to see Mirah tonight. I've been waiting for this day for like 4 or 5 years now. When I tell people why I'm so excited, I mention that there are three of her songs that will stay in my top 50 tunes until the day I die. There are just certain things in these songs that I can't imagine my life without.

Last time I knew about her touring it was in Europe. And now, she's gonna be here!! I'm ready to explode. Thanks to the new people in my life, or at least the new world I've built for myself, I can tenuously converse with the PMD and The Ex. Well, more the PMD.

Not drinking a lot has been awesome too. Reading all those old entries I saw how much drinking I used to do. I was probably a borderline alcoholic. Definitely a binge drinker. These days I go out a lot but I usually don't go past two drinks an outing. So now when I do drink I get pretty loopy. It's nice to be a lightweight. Plus, it's way cheaper.

It has to be said that I'm a much happier and a less angry person these days. I came to realize that the old person in those entries is probably unrecognizable to me now. It's a beautiful thing to not be so filled with rage.

It's been raining most of the daylight. I took Mocha out for a walk when the sun broke through. The rain stopped and the plants gave off a sage like perfume that filled the crisp cool desert air. I kept thinking I was smelling cologne it was so complex and pleasing.

Time to get ready for tonight.

Every once and awhile I'm surprised at the things I can capture with my $95 camera. Of course I have hundreds of photos and only about ten percent of them are worth showing anyone, but when I catch something, like the moment above, I feel extremely fortunate. I shoot, shoot, shoot and hope for the best.
* * * * *
I'm spending a lot of time with Rx, more than I'd really like to. But I don't know how that's possible when I haven't laughed this hard in my life. I like the way she smells. I like the way she likes me.

Maybe I just have no self control. I don't know. I was talking with The D about the kinds of chicks that are into me and we came to some bizarre and unsettling conclusions about me and my personality. This other drama as of late hasn't helped.
+ + + + +
This drama with my friend and his fiance has thrown me for a loop. Panicked, I kidnapped Jex on a Sunday afternoon because I felt like a shitty friend and an oppurtunistic asshole. All the time I've been worried that I was going to have take a beating and then yesterday, I get a call. My friend wants to sit down and talk this out. Color me impressed. If he feels its important enough for him to want to sit down and talk with me, I can give for the two of them. So at least that's something good. Cuz the news doesn't get any better right now.
- - - - -
My father got fired from his job, basically ruining his career. And he's trying to legally fight it. What can you do...

This is the second time in as many weeks that I've dreamt about her. This one, I'm sure was brought on by the fact that there was this chick hitting on me a couple of weeks back. A chick I know had been friends with her. I didn't know they were still friends. And then I found a picture of the friend kissing her on the cheek at some recent event. The friend isn't even aware that I'm her ex.

The first time I dreamt about her, it wasn't fun. It was so disturbing, in fact, that I had to go to the skatepark as soon as I woke up just to keep myself from falling apart. This dream though seemed a lot crueler.

I don't know why my heart still breaks about her. Whatever the situation in the dream was, I'm not sure about, but she was basically moving in with my family and me. I guess it was back on for the both of us. She wasn't in a good place and I'm glad, at least in the dream, that we could be there for her.

I had so many questions. It seemed like she had been on some crazy adventures. But I didn't want to pry, I wanted to let it happen naturally, even though inside I was ready to explode. But I knew she had to trust me. I knew I had to be there without questions or judgements. I didn't want to be who I had been when it all ended. And it was good, in the dream. I was fully ready to say for sure, two against the world.

I told her I was content with the fact that I would get to smell her skin and kiss her neck and that's all I needed.

Now that I'm not asleep, I don't know how much of that is really true, but it felt sincere. I can't tell the difference between my life and dreams anyway when I'm in the dream. All I knew was that one thing in the world felt right. One piece of my old life was back and I didn't intend on letting it slip away again.

I was excited for the conversations we would have, since in the beginning that was probably the most awesome thing we ever shared as a couple. I was elated at the chance to get to know her again.

But it was just a dream and when my alarm wrenched me from it, I couldn't help but feel a little cheated. Everytime it happens I want to call her. I don't know what I'd say. I'm sure she lives her life day-to-day and thinks nothing much of me. I wish I could say the same, but I'm still haunted by the memory.

I don't think that will change for quite some time. I'll always carry this regret.

I'm fucking writing. I don't care what I should be doing. There is crazy shit going on and I can't contain it anymore. I've been fucking busy busy busy busyb subys bubysubs.... well, you get the picture. I cannot tell you how many times I've been trying to just sit down and write about shit. It's been weeks. And it's been crazy. Ok, I got that off my chest.

The question of the day was: What day is it? Because I'll tell you what, it feels like a Thursday. But this was also aided by the activities and lack of sleep from the night before. Not being home for over 27 hours... But we'll get to that in a minute.

I've been doing my best at trying to photo-document what's been going on. Because seriously, I'm having a hard time recalling anything before Friday night.

Friday Night was the Black Market Goods Gallery grand opening / art show / fashion / awesome time. They now have a space where The Stove once was.



...to be continued.

I over did it last night. I didn't mean to I think I just thought I could drink like I used to and clearly that's not the case. I spent all day today just trying to recover. I finally had to just pass out somewhere and sleep it off. I haven't felt that wretched in awhile. I'm finally feeling human again. Just in time to go to bed and get up for work. But it was fun for what it was. And completely random and despite the massive crippling hangover, it was way better than how I began last year.

I have mixed feelings about 2008. I hated this year with every fiber of my being. And yet I don't think I'd trade the experience or the lessons learned from this year. Frankly, the last year and a half have been the shittiest and hardest times I can remember in my life.

Still, last night Cynthia (pictured with me above) told me about this party and I figured, what the hell. There were people I've known since the 3rd grade there and people I went to high school with. It wasn't many but it was surreal.

I'm not sure, even at this point what to make of my life yet. I feel like I wasted so many days being unhappy. I never really wanted to be alive. Life was always a burden and my only interest was to fritter away the hours until I could shuffle off this mortal coil. But then I've lost a lot over the last 20 months or so. My life and everything I thought I knew about it has changed to the point that I don't think I could recognize what it once was. I lost people in my life I loved immensely. The core group of friends I used to have has been whittled down significantly. My car is gone. A place of my own seems a long time away. It's a lonely existence sometimes.

Despite all the loss I've found people who were there for me. I made new allies. I adapted and grew. I became someone I think I can start to be proud of. There are no words to describe the heartbreak and regret and despair. I can't help but choke on the irony of loving life and wanting to be alive now that life is at its toughest. I guess there's not a lot that can be done about that. I feel like I wasted so much time that every oppurtunity to really enjoy life, to eat a piece of fruit or hang out with strangers, is a chance I don't want to miss anymore.

I almost lost life twice in these last 20 months, once by my own hand and once by my own recklessness.

Here I am in 2009 only better for it all. Working a job, doing community service, playing in two bands and going to school.

* * * * *
Speaking of people I miss, I miss you. I wish I at least still knew you. I even wrote a song for you and I imagine the only way you'll hear it is after the album is done and I mail it to your mom's house. I don't imagine we'll ever be friends. I just miss you.
( A little more on H, A drunk redhead grinds on me and another court summons? )

Jex and I over a four year span I believe. Hilarious.

There is no tree, no lights, no decorations and no family gathering today. My brother and father are here at the house. It's pretty much like any other day of the year. My brother and his girlfriend are Santa Claus this year. I had no money for presents. I had no inspiration or time to make anyone Xmas cards. It was all a bust.

I feel ok about that honestly. I mean I hate to not take a moment to show my people that I appreciate their love and friendship, but it's all been survival mode lately. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing, I don't think. I just enjoyed my day off and relaxed. It was fantastic. And it was fantastic because I haven't stopped moving the last four or five days or so. It's just been hectic, in a good way.